[ It hits like a slap, and he flinches very slightly: a tightening of the eyes and mouth, a stiffening of the posture and tone. ]
I can certainly understand that need. [ It is true, which makes this all the worse. ] But I might at least assure you that, should you need anything... no matter how minor the task or how dire the situation, you are welcome to call.
[ Willow asked this of him— the last thing she asked of him. He considers it a promise. ]
[Faith does at least look apologetic. She hadn't meant it to sound like a condemnation, and yeah, maybe part of her does feel like blaming Ozpin. Watchers always fail their charges, like Giles failed Buffy or Wesley failed her. It's easy to blame whoever's closest. And maybe Ozpin's best efforts to worm his way out of admitting to being a vampire and not trusting anyone but himself left a bigger impression than she thought.
But it's stupid, because she knows where the blame lays.
She couldn't have protected Willow, nobody could. She crosses her arms, a bit sheepish.] I didn't mean...
...I just mean I'll take care of her, so you don't gotta fret about it. Not blamin' you. Just how it is.
[She had seen Willow talking to Oz on the network and understood what they were talking about. For the most part, it was a harmless request that showed how Willow cared for her. But still, she didn't want to be an obligation to anyone else. Even if she was putting herself in that situation with Faith.
She nodded, packing up the last of her stuff. No, she wasn't going to think about that too much and just accept this as the kindness as it was meant, clearly.]
I know, Oz. I'll keep that in mind.
[She glanced over at Faith, noticing her back down a little.]
[ He subsides from stiff posture into a gentle unwinding of the shoulders, a weary slant to his mouth. To Faith he drops his head in a nod.
There is more he'd like to say to them, confessions of Willow's he ought to address: the trouble of Tara's mind, and her powers, and the pieces they do not understand about either or both. The danger she poses, and the danger she might find herself in without realizing. He ought to confer with Faith about it.
But he can find no tactful way, no kind way, to do any of that. And they have each other, which is something. It is more than he's been able to give.
He offers Tara a tenuous smile. It isn't a very good one, given the worry lines at the edges of his eyes, but it is an effort. ]
Then I suppose I shall leave you to it. If I hear any news... [ of Willow; of Maul ] I shall keep you informed.
[ It feels unsatisfying, to excuse himself and retreat. He does it all the same. ]
[Faith has no idea what Willow's told Oz, what Tara's felt comfortable telling Oz. She's still not sure if she can trust him. But she trusted Willow, she trusts Ange, and she trusts Ruby.]
...I'll keep in touch, Oz. And... [She shuffles uncomfortably.] It wasn't your fault. Or yours. [She glances at Tara.] Not even mine, I guess.
[She threatened to kill Maul, she talked to Willow about hunting him down and snapping him like a twig. She could have. Maybe this would have been averted. But it's stupid. It's all just pointless speculating, and that whole martyrdom based self hatred that Buffy and Angel are so proud of? Faith's not going to follow their example in that.] Just... take care of yourself, yeah?
Thank you, Oz. [She wanted to apologize for what happened. For being the cause of Willow's death and failing to protect the house. No matter how far she came in confidence, it only took one set back like this to make her slide into her old self. Frightened, caged and stuttering. It wasn't a side she wanted Oz to see and there was no way she could really tell him what happened.
Without intending to, she was keeping her secrets and hiding.] Please keep in touch with me.
[She waited until Oz left, frowning down at her clothes. Faith had said it wasn't her fault, but those words didn't really sink in. It felt like meaningless comfort, not to insult Faith. She was doing the best she could.]
[Faith tenses up, letting out a sharp breath. There's the kindling of anger rising in her, something adjacent to hurt, that Tara just expected Faith to lay the blame at her feet. Is that why she's choosing to stay with her? As penance? As punishment? Because she's just that cruel?
She takes a deep breath, turns toward Tara and crosses her arms, relaxing against the wall.]
No, Tara, I don't know that.
[She raises an eyebrow at Tara, letting out a sigh as Oz leaves.] Maul killed her. We can all... pass the blame around about whoever tried and failed to protect her, but the fault still lies with the vicious killer.
[She gave Faith an apologetic look. Sometimes it was like walking a tight wire with her. She could get so angry that it was almost scary. She was trying to do better, but that was always that slayer part of her, similar to Buffy. Where things were a lot more...intense maybe? It was hard to explain, only she knew that she worried about Faith's response to things.]
Sorry.
[She looked down at her hands, thankfully covered with thick gloves. It wasn't reassuring after all she'd done.]
But if it wasn't because I blipped and couldn't think, I wouldn't have touched her with my hand ungloved. I wouldn't have infected her so she felt nothing but decay. She wouldn't have lost herself and Maul wouldn't have gotten to her.
Sure. And if I'd marched right up to Maul's house, killed him, broken his weapon, and kept killing him till he stopped showing up, he wouldn't have gotten to her either.
You can spin it from any direction like that, make it anyone's fault. You'll just drive yourself insane.
[She shakes her head with a sigh.] You think Willow would blame you? You didn't ask for this.
[She's actually trying to make Tara feels better and it's that fact alone that does help a little. Maybe it was because of all the stuff Faith had done. She wasn't perfect, which sometimes Tara felt like Willow was (even knowing she wasn't). There was no comparison here, there was no high standard to live up to.
Faith was Faith and she really was a good person deep down.]
I know she wouldn't. That kinda makes things worse in a way.
[And she knew Faith would understand this much.]
Willow, even with all the things she's done, she's still kind of on a pedestal. She's got all this potential and power and people look up to her for it. I know I'm not compared to her, but sometimes I feel like I'm comparing myself to her. Any mistake I make, it's a lot bigger than how other people see it.
[She looked up at Faith, hoping to see that sort of understanding.]
It makes me feel really lonely sometimes, except when we're hanging out. That's....that's why I need to stay with you. Maybe I can forgive myself for this out of the house and out of this room.
[Ah. She nods and there's a distinctive flicker of empathy on her face. It's not like she hasn't felt similar about Willow. Or about Tara, really. All of the Scoobies acted like she was... lesser, even when trying to be nice. She wasn't on equal footing with Buffy and they all knew it, she was Buffy's knock-off replica.
Buffy knew it especially.]
...Yeah. I get what you mean. Hell, try living up to Buffy Summers.
But I mean, you should have seen Willow when I first showed up. She could cast your most basic spells after about maybe three failed attempts. [She does... worry, about what Willow will say or think when she comes back to find Tara living with Faith. It's not as if Faith has a reputation of uh... not stealing other people's partners. But she'd like to think she's earned enough trust for her to not jump to that.]
Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you want. House was feeling super empty anyway. I'll uh... clear away some of the weapons.
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I can certainly understand that need. [ It is true, which makes this all the worse. ] But I might at least assure you that, should you need anything... no matter how minor the task or how dire the situation, you are welcome to call.
[ Willow asked this of him— the last thing she asked of him. He considers it a promise. ]
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But it's stupid, because she knows where the blame lays.
She couldn't have protected Willow, nobody could. She crosses her arms, a bit sheepish.] I didn't mean...
...I just mean I'll take care of her, so you don't gotta fret about it. Not blamin' you. Just how it is.
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She nodded, packing up the last of her stuff. No, she wasn't going to think about that too much and just accept this as the kindness as it was meant, clearly.]
I know, Oz. I'll keep that in mind.
[She glanced over at Faith, noticing her back down a little.]
She will. I trust Faith.
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There is more he'd like to say to them, confessions of Willow's he ought to address: the trouble of Tara's mind, and her powers, and the pieces they do not understand about either or both. The danger she poses, and the danger she might find herself in without realizing. He ought to confer with Faith about it.
But he can find no tactful way, no kind way, to do any of that. And they have each other, which is something. It is more than he's been able to give.
He offers Tara a tenuous smile. It isn't a very good one, given the worry lines at the edges of his eyes, but it is an effort. ]
Then I suppose I shall leave you to it. If I hear any news... [ of Willow; of Maul ] I shall keep you informed.
[ It feels unsatisfying, to excuse himself and retreat. He does it all the same. ]
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...I'll keep in touch, Oz. And... [She shuffles uncomfortably.] It wasn't your fault. Or yours. [She glances at Tara.] Not even mine, I guess.
[She threatened to kill Maul, she talked to Willow about hunting him down and snapping him like a twig. She could have. Maybe this would have been averted. But it's stupid. It's all just pointless speculating, and that whole martyrdom based self hatred that Buffy and Angel are so proud of? Faith's not going to follow their example in that.] Just... take care of yourself, yeah?
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Without intending to, she was keeping her secrets and hiding.] Please keep in touch with me.
[She waited until Oz left, frowning down at her clothes. Faith had said it wasn't her fault, but those words didn't really sink in. It felt like meaningless comfort, not to insult Faith. She was doing the best she could.]
You know it's my fault.
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She takes a deep breath, turns toward Tara and crosses her arms, relaxing against the wall.]
No, Tara, I don't know that.
[She raises an eyebrow at Tara, letting out a sigh as Oz leaves.] Maul killed her. We can all... pass the blame around about whoever tried and failed to protect her, but the fault still lies with the vicious killer.
I'd know.
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Sorry.
[She looked down at her hands, thankfully covered with thick gloves. It wasn't reassuring after all she'd done.]
But if it wasn't because I blipped and couldn't think, I wouldn't have touched her with my hand ungloved. I wouldn't have infected her so she felt nothing but decay. She wouldn't have lost herself and Maul wouldn't have gotten to her.
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You can spin it from any direction like that, make it anyone's fault. You'll just drive yourself insane.
[She shakes her head with a sigh.] You think Willow would blame you? You didn't ask for this.
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Faith was Faith and she really was a good person deep down.]
I know she wouldn't. That kinda makes things worse in a way.
[And she knew Faith would understand this much.]
Willow, even with all the things she's done, she's still kind of on a pedestal. She's got all this potential and power and people look up to her for it. I know I'm not compared to her, but sometimes I feel like I'm comparing myself to her. Any mistake I make, it's a lot bigger than how other people see it.
[She looked up at Faith, hoping to see that sort of understanding.]
It makes me feel really lonely sometimes, except when we're hanging out. That's....that's why I need to stay with you. Maybe I can forgive myself for this out of the house and out of this room.
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Buffy knew it especially.]
...Yeah. I get what you mean. Hell, try living up to Buffy Summers.
But I mean, you should have seen Willow when I first showed up. She could cast your most basic spells after about maybe three failed attempts. [She does... worry, about what Willow will say or think when she comes back to find Tara living with Faith. It's not as if Faith has a reputation of uh... not stealing other people's partners. But she'd like to think she's earned enough trust for her to not jump to that.]
Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you want. House was feeling super empty anyway. I'll uh... clear away some of the weapons.