[It seemed a silly question, given everything. Of course Willow wouldn't be fine, but it wasn't so much her emotions she was referring to as the injury. Still, she took that update and filed it away, at least knowing how Willow was managing mentally.]
Yeah, I've heard about some of the fallout.
[The apology was appreciated but slightly irritated her. She had told Faith that she wasn't herself during those events, affected by a number of things. That held true for Willow as well and she genuinely believed that. Being dark, killing people, that she could let slide, at least for the circumstances of this world. Willow was affected by magic, the moon and a necromancer.]
I don't blame you for going dark or the people you killed, Willow. You weren't yourself and so many things played a part in this. The moon didn't help either. The Trench makes it easier for us to fall into that sort of darkness. It's why corruption is so common.
I don't blame you for what you did to me or how you left me out to be corrupted. It was the same influence pushing you to kill others. I know that you wouldn't do it because you genuinely hated me or wanted to hurt me. So, don't beat yourself up about that.
I forgive Faith and I forgive you.
[BUT]
You hid all this from me. I offered to help you several times and you said no. Instead, you went to some necromancer and asked him instead.
I know you were desperate, that's fine. I've done things in desperation too.
It's that you kept secrets from me again. You didn't trust me with the information.
[There was nothing that would have stopped this from being an extremely difficult conversation, knowing where it's going to lead, but at least Tara has already heard about the fallout at home. It probably shouldn't be a surprise, but at least that's one conversation they don't need to have.
The fact that Tara doesn't blame her for what happened doesn't change much. Willow still blames herself, both for her actions and for the fallout that came as a result. It doesn't change either, what she is certain is the best course of action.
It's still a relief. Except for, of course, that very obvious, very impending but.
Willow sighs when Tara talks about the secrets she's kept. It's difficult to explain that she didn't want a repeat of the catacombs, that she had already felt the distance between them in the time immediately following, and that even going to someone whose opinion of her didn't really matter much had been difficult.
Perhaps, it's a bit easier to offer some explanation, though.]
I didn't tell anyone. I, um.
[She sighs.]
There was... an incident. Back in March. Someone got bit. He only turned for a night, thankfully, but it scared me. I was afraid of how everyone'd react, but I knew I had to do something to keep it from happening again. So I didn't tell anyone. I went to... Well, I guess he's going by John now. He was sure he could help, that he could keep me from changing.
[In hindsight, it feels ridiculous. Her friends would have been concerned, of course - Tara, would have been concerned, but it's easier to recognize now that they wouldn't have rejected her. She does not yet recognize it as corruption's influence.]
I was afraid of how everyone'd react, and I thought I could fix it on my own.
[It helped a little to hear Willow say she was wrong, but it didn't ease some of the frustration and pain.]
I wish you trusted me enough to give me a chance. Did I treat you differently after the catacombs? I thought that we were starting to connect more and find our way back to each other.
[Or had she seen too much in the flirting and smiles? She had given everything she could to summon feeling again and shared what little progress she made with Willow. She wanted her partner back, not just her friend.
But maybe she was naïve in this.
After so many secrets before, maybe Willow was justified in worrying how Tara would react. It was just- she tried so hard and it felt like a slap to those efforts.]
I know it's hypocritical of me to be angry because I kept secrets before too for similar reasons.
[Willow sighs. She can't pretend she doesn't understand why Tara is hurt by the secrets she kept, and she isn't about to hide that she regrets that it all ever happened to begin with.]
I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. The only reason why I told that necromancer guy was because I needed help and I knew I couldn't do it on my own.
[She gives a small shrug. It's hard to find the words to explain it properly, and she's not even sure it makes sense in her own head, but perhaps it's still worth the effort to try.]
I don't know. I had to get someone to help, and I guess I picked him because... I figured he's probably seen enough awful things that he would get it, and if he didn't, maybe it didn't matter as much as it would if it was someone I loved.
[There's a brief pause, and she gives a small shrug.]
I know, that probably sounded stupid. It was what I thought at the time, though. That, and, if I told you something horrible happened, but I already fixed it, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
It doesn't sound stupid, but it does hurt, Will. If you can't trust me to love you and not judge you for something out of your control, I don't know if there's trust between us at all. That's what it really comes down to. It used to be that you could tell me anything, even the stuff that you thought was really bad.
[But it feels like she's only beating on a dead horse.]
I don't think I can handle secrets anymore. It's just becoming a bit too much and I really need to believe we trust each other here.
[The apology is genuine; the last thing Willow has ever wanted was to hurt Tara, but it feels like she's done an awful lot of that lately. She can't justify it, but nor can she help the way she had felt in the moment. She bites her lip for a moment.]
[The apology is all that can be offered and she accepts it. She doesn't want to hammer Willow about this any further. There's hurt enough between them and she's got other trials to face and other people that might be angry. She's not looking to add to the numbers.
No matter what, she does love Willow.]
I did, but now I don't know.
[She knows what that means and she's afraid to say it.]
['You don't get to choose how people react to the things you did.'
It's easier than ever these days to ruminate on Faith's words from months ago, when Willow had attempted to defend Luna from Johnny's reaction to her brush with Beasthood. It still hurts to hear it. It hurts more than she really wants to acknowledge, but there's little to be done for it aside from quietly acknowledge Tara's feelings.
It doesn't change anything. If anything, it makes what she knows has to be done a little easier. Maybe it's not a bad thing for them to both take some space for a little.
She bites her lip and nods grimly in acceptance.]
It's okay. I understand.
I, uh.
[She stops and takes a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts. It's harder than she thought it would be to find the right words.]
I, um. Tara... Tara, I think maybe we should spend sometime away from each other. Maybe... it'll help us figure things out?
[She blinks back the tears threatening to spill. As challenging as things have been since Tara's arrival in Trench, in spite of all of the ups and downs they've been through, and in spite of Ozpin's warning that it might not be as easy as Willow hoped it would be for them to pick right back up where they left off, she genuinely did not want it to come to this. Until recently, she never thought it really would come to this. Not again.]
I mean. Between the - the everything, and. I, uh.
[She takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly, and ducks her head to wipe at her eyes.]
I don't know if anything else is going to happen. I mean, Faith and Ozpin died because some people were angry at me. I - I don't want to risk anything happening to you too. I - I think I got the people I care about hurt too much already.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah, I've heard about some of the fallout.
[The apology was appreciated but slightly irritated her. She had told Faith that she wasn't herself during those events, affected by a number of things. That held true for Willow as well and she genuinely believed that. Being dark, killing people, that she could let slide, at least for the circumstances of this world. Willow was affected by magic, the moon and a necromancer.]
I don't blame you for going dark or the people you killed, Willow. You weren't yourself and so many things played a part in this. The moon didn't help either. The Trench makes it easier for us to fall into that sort of darkness. It's why corruption is so common.
I don't blame you for what you did to me or how you left me out to be corrupted. It was the same influence pushing you to kill others. I know that you wouldn't do it because you genuinely hated me or wanted to hurt me. So, don't beat yourself up about that.
I forgive Faith and I forgive you.
[BUT]
You hid all this from me. I offered to help you several times and you said no. Instead, you went to some necromancer and asked him instead.
I know you were desperate, that's fine. I've done things in desperation too.
It's that you kept secrets from me again. You didn't trust me with the information.
no subject
The fact that Tara doesn't blame her for what happened doesn't change much. Willow still blames herself, both for her actions and for the fallout that came as a result. It doesn't change either, what she is certain is the best course of action.
It's still a relief. Except for, of course, that very obvious, very impending but.
Willow sighs when Tara talks about the secrets she's kept. It's difficult to explain that she didn't want a repeat of the catacombs, that she had already felt the distance between them in the time immediately following, and that even going to someone whose opinion of her didn't really matter much had been difficult.
Perhaps, it's a bit easier to offer some explanation, though.]
I didn't tell anyone. I, um.
[She sighs.]
There was... an incident. Back in March. Someone got bit. He only turned for a night, thankfully, but it scared me. I was afraid of how everyone'd react, but I knew I had to do something to keep it from happening again. So I didn't tell anyone. I went to... Well, I guess he's going by John now. He was sure he could help, that he could keep me from changing.
[In hindsight, it feels ridiculous. Her friends would have been concerned, of course - Tara, would have been concerned, but it's easier to recognize now that they wouldn't have rejected her. She does not yet recognize it as corruption's influence.]
I was afraid of how everyone'd react, and I thought I could fix it on my own.
I was wrong.
no subject
I wish you trusted me enough to give me a chance. Did I treat you differently after the catacombs? I thought that we were starting to connect more and find our way back to each other.
[Or had she seen too much in the flirting and smiles? She had given everything she could to summon feeling again and shared what little progress she made with Willow. She wanted her partner back, not just her friend.
But maybe she was naïve in this.
After so many secrets before, maybe Willow was justified in worrying how Tara would react. It was just- she tried so hard and it felt like a slap to those efforts.]
I know it's hypocritical of me to be angry because I kept secrets before too for similar reasons.
no subject
I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. The only reason why I told that necromancer guy was because I needed help and I knew I couldn't do it on my own.
[She gives a small shrug. It's hard to find the words to explain it properly, and she's not even sure it makes sense in her own head, but perhaps it's still worth the effort to try.]
I don't know. I had to get someone to help, and I guess I picked him because... I figured he's probably seen enough awful things that he would get it, and if he didn't, maybe it didn't matter as much as it would if it was someone I loved.
[There's a brief pause, and she gives a small shrug.]
I know, that probably sounded stupid. It was what I thought at the time, though. That, and, if I told you something horrible happened, but I already fixed it, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
no subject
[But it feels like she's only beating on a dead horse.]
I don't think I can handle secrets anymore. It's just becoming a bit too much and I really need to believe we trust each other here.
no subject
[The apology is genuine; the last thing Willow has ever wanted was to hurt Tara, but it feels like she's done an awful lot of that lately. She can't justify it, but nor can she help the way she had felt in the moment. She bites her lip for a moment.]
Do you trust me?
no subject
No matter what, she does love Willow.]
I did, but now I don't know.
[She knows what that means and she's afraid to say it.]
no subject
It's easier than ever these days to ruminate on Faith's words from months ago, when Willow had attempted to defend Luna from Johnny's reaction to her brush with Beasthood. It still hurts to hear it. It hurts more than she really wants to acknowledge, but there's little to be done for it aside from quietly acknowledge Tara's feelings.
It doesn't change anything. If anything, it makes what she knows has to be done a little easier. Maybe it's not a bad thing for them to both take some space for a little.
She bites her lip and nods grimly in acceptance.]
It's okay. I understand.
I, uh.
[She stops and takes a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts. It's harder than she thought it would be to find the right words.]
I, um. Tara... Tara, I think maybe we should spend sometime away from each other. Maybe... it'll help us figure things out?
[She blinks back the tears threatening to spill. As challenging as things have been since Tara's arrival in Trench, in spite of all of the ups and downs they've been through, and in spite of Ozpin's warning that it might not be as easy as Willow hoped it would be for them to pick right back up where they left off, she genuinely did not want it to come to this. Until recently, she never thought it really would come to this. Not again.]
I mean. Between the - the everything, and. I, uh.
[She takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly, and ducks her head to wipe at her eyes.]
I don't know if anything else is going to happen. I mean, Faith and Ozpin died because some people were angry at me. I - I don't want to risk anything happening to you too. I - I think I got the people I care about hurt too much already.